How To Get A Promotion At Work
#15 Smiling
Let's start off with something simple: the smile. From the cavemen on, smiling has been the quickest way to convey your accessible personality to others. Especially your fellow work staff and, most importantly, the company brass. Even if you have adult braces or unsightly gingivitis, showing teeth is the first step to welcoming your fellow human into your personal space.
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15:
Smiling
Let's start off with something simple: the smile. From the cavemen on, smiling has been the quickest way to convey your accessible personality to others. Especially your fellow work staff and, most importantly, the company brass. Even if you have adult braces or unsightly gingivitis, showing teeth is the first step to welcoming your fellow human into your personal space.
14:
Mentoring The Weakest Link
Every workplace has them: the one worker bee who just doesn't jive with the hive. They fall behind on their responsibilities, fail to grasp the collective focus of the company, and generally just take-up valuable desk space. In comes you, to be the Aristotle to their Alexander, the Tom Smith to their Seabiscuit, the John Candy to their Jamaican Bobsled Team. Your boss will look at you and see a natural born leader.
13:
Giving A Speech At The Office Christmas Party
Public speaking, even in front of friends and colleagues, is famously scary for many a folk. But stepping up at an opportune time such as an office party and addressing the gathering with warmth, humor, and purpose is a great way to get brownie points (or as grown-ups refer to them: smiley sunshine sticker faces).
12:
Sabatoging Rival Company
Now, this may sound a little, shall we say, extreme but it doesn't have to be a car bomb in a corporate lobby. There are many subtler ways to destroy the enemy and get in favor with the people upstairs (not God, your boss). We suggest laxative in the rival company's cafeteria food, or a crippling virus in their computer system. Nothing big.
11:
Organizing Recreational Activities
We're not saying it has to be dodgeball or ultimate frisbee, but getting some of the workers together in a fun yet constructive activity is just the thing to put a big sloppy smile on your boss's face. It promotes camaraderie and office morale. How about, 'Pin The Tail On The SEC Investigator,' 'Monopoly: True Blood Edition,' or 'Whirlyball' (see pic).
10:
Giving Casual Life Tips to Your Boss
You rarely want to cross the friend/boss barrier in the workplace. It can lead to an awkward relationship in the future, what with you eventually sleeping with his wife/her husband and all. But if you dip your toe in the water just a little, it can be personally rewarding. Suggested life tips: great restaurants, recommended vacation spots, the right 7 iron, durable cuff link brands, and the best scented skin moisturizers.
9:
Buying Meals
Ever have a coworker bring a dozen donuts to work in the morning? Or bagels and spreads? Or sushi for lunch? And it was their treat? Of course you remember. And you remember everyone liked the person who did. They came off as more likeable, more attractive, and more promotionable. Yeah, that's a word now. A word out of your boss's mouth while chewing a delicious cheese Danish you bought them. Yum.
8:
Practical Jokes
Now you may be saying, 'What? Practical jokes? Isn't that a sign of immaturity and lack of job focus?' Nay. Or rather, semi-Nay. Sure, a practical joke gone really wrong (i.e. poisoning your boss's cat) can be career suicide. But the right gag can lift spirits and bring a shot of mirth to an otherwise moribund work environment. And who doesn't want their highers-up in a good mood?
7:
Eavesdropping
The dropping of eaves has a long tradition of helping one get a step ahead. In this information-crazy world, the one that gets it first, gets it best. Now, some execs may frown on their subordinates using such, well, questionable tactics. But many of those execs used those same tactics (and much worse) to get to their positions themselves. We recommend a good, cone-shaped glass for hearing through doors, or an audio recorder hidden in a plant in the CEO's meeting room.
6:
Buzzwords
The vernacular of business is ever-changing, and using either the right or wrong buzzwords can be the key to impressing or failing your colleagues and, especially, the bigwigs. Words/phrases such as 'breakout groups,' 'downstream,' 'inform,' and 'boil the ocean' will raise an eyebrow or two (the good kind of eyebrow(s)).
5:
Dressing The Part
A man is only as good as his suit, said a suit manufacturer once. But he has a point. Lacking basic style says a lot of things about you in the workplace, none of them good. Dressing well is a key outward sign of the confidence you have in yourself. When we think of confidence, we think of Denzel Washington. The man oozes it. We suggest any of his dapper outfits in 'American Gangster.'
4:
Visibly Reading 'The Art of War'
Sun-Tzu's legendary tome on the tactics and psychology of war is always a favorite of modern day corporate execs who think their livelihoods have anything to do with the subject matter of the book. Walking around the office with the book visibly in hand, or even reading it out loud to yourself during lunch is a great way to get noticed. Actually employing the tactics into a meeting, no matter how irrelevant, is an even bigger plus.
3:
Peacemaking
Disagreements are a commonality in the workplace, but rarely do the two sides arguing look any better than squibbling little children. In comes you, the Peacemaker, to restore civility and diplomacy. The people in charge love a person who can bring out compromise. We suggest secretly starting a tift between two coworkers on purpose and then sweeping in to save the day when things get out of hand.
2:
Leading The Team
The higher-ups love to see a natural leader emerge. We suggest gathering up the troops for weekly "Players Only" meetings, making sure you hold them in a transparent room and then make over-the-top gestures so that your bosses can admire your charisma at a distance without hearing the nonsense you're actually spewing.
1:
Complimenting The Fam
Sure, nobody likes a brown-noser. But hitting the right compliment at the right time is everything. Try pointing at a picture of your boss's children and say, "Now that's how you conceive naturally, sir." Make sure they're not adopted.
